| | WARNING: this entry contains graphic material not suitable for those who dont wanna read about poop.
wow. so i decided way back when that i would never force any entries...cuz then stuff gets really watered down....and that i'd only do one if i really felt compelled.
im compelled. right now.
i almost crapped my pants in front of 3 friends (one of which was an innocent guest from california.)
so im at st. lucy's and i leave the adoration chapel cuz i felt ridiculous gassy. i go outside and its bombs over baghdad...in my booty. my first thought was like wow...this is a lot of gas.
my 3 friends come out, we say our goodbyes but then i realize i cant walk....because a sharp pain ensued and it was one of those moments in the movies where the guy first sees the meteor coming towards earth on his radar screen and realizes he has 1 hour to notify the nations etc.
only this was much worse. it felt like a wolverine in my booty prying its way out. i immediately stopped taking steps toward my car and said "omg, i gotta crap!"
i could feel donatello slowly peeking his head out so i tossed my keys to friend A and screamed "box of tissues in my car!!"
i stood frozen....cuz i knew if i moved it woulda been chocolate rain. even the slightest step in any direction would've unleashed any person's public/hygenic nightmare.
it subsided for a few seconds and i quickly assessed the situation....scanning around like a frantic macguyver for a solution. do i go in the bushes? behind the parked cars? in the garbage can? all of which were at least 5-10 steps away.....but even one sidestep would've forced this downward eruption.
my friends were laughing all throughout the episode until they realized it was getting more serious then they thought. friend B ran back into the chapel to ask where the closest bathroom was. it was while he left that my second battle began.
this was the big one. it started back up like a kick-drum and floor tom combination in the build up portion of any worshp song. i knew this was it. it was now or never. i didnt wanna give up....so i said im gonna give this all i got. i grabbed friend A's shoulder and tensed up my entire body. total involvement. it was a team effort. my pinky toes were in solidarity with my eyebrows.....my fists clenched with the same intensity as my perched lips. it felt like i was fighting against a dozen mma fighters...all pounding downward wanting to exit out of the octagon that tonite....was my booty.
this was probably the worst pain ever.....my eyes squinted so hard that i almost went dizzy....the whole time saying "why Lord? why?!"
the episode lasted 20 seconds at most....but thats a lot of time. (at this point i had been standing at the same spot in the parking lot for almost 10-15 minutes, refusing to move out of confident fear that it would be to my demise.)
friend B appears out of nowhere, with a key connected to a huge wooden keychain.....that to me looked just as glorious as the gold monstrance i had just got done adoring.
i slowly and carefully waddled my way to the bathroom and was able to dispose of the enraged stool that nearly slayed me in the middle of a parking lot.
of course instant relief came, complimented with jokes and laughter etc....but i started reflecting on my life....and realized that there have been significant crap moments from my childhood that i distinctly remember...all as equally embarrasing....and definitely more disgusting.
"open lot dump"/age, dont know....young boy: i went with my aunt to this open lot where her house was being built in the philippines. i dont remember much, but i know i crapped my pants....and she had to wash my booty from this little faucet thing that was sticking out of the ground. we were out in the open in front of everyone....and she had nothing but her hands and the water from the faucet.
"crying wall dump" - age, dont know...young boy again: i was with my mom at some party and i guess i crapped my pants...but the unforgettable scene was in the bathroom when my mom was so pissed....she was like "i cant believe you did it again!!!" and i felt so bad that i leaned my face against the wall and started crying.....somberly saying "im sorryyyyy....im sorryyyy"....exactly like those drug addict movie scenes where the guy is crying in the shower while leaning up against the wall cuz he realizes his life is a waste etc.
"green seattle tub dump" - again young boy.....dont know what happened....but i crapped like crazy in my aunt's bathtub and it was all green. it looked like a scene from double dare, or that someone took a double barrel shotgun to that green ghost from ghostbusters. i have NO idea what i ate.....and i have no idea why it was all in the tub....but it was green pudding....liters of it. splashed about. and my poor aunt had to clean it up.
tonite was the last straw. this was an attack, and history shows that i've been unprepared for it 3 times before. if it beat me, my friends would've been subject to foul smell and sight. people wanna go out to see you...not your poop.
this weekend im gonna assemble pieces to a glorious emergency crapkit. it will include a camper's mini potty, plastic bags, baby wipes, toilet paper, bottles of water, a bar of soap and disinfectant. i'll then keep them all in my trunk in some kind of case or crate.
never. again.
thanks to my friends who were with me tonite. seriously, your presence and support through what was probably one of the toughest moments in my life, speaks loudly of your selflessness and kindness of heart.
i wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
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| | Posted 6/26/2009 3:14 AM - 46 Views - 18 eProps - 9 comments
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